Life is a funny thing

You know, life is a funny thing. Its full of pain and anguish but equally full of love and thoughtfullness. It never fails to amaze me how no matter how much time has passed, or how much you thought you have gotten over something or come to terms with it, that when something similar happens, all of those raw emotions come flodding back like a tsunami to the heart and brain.

Im sitting here at work half laughing, half crying thinking of all of the people in my life who have passed away. There are only 4 that I am thinking of presently. And random funny memories flood my mind as I recall the details of laying each one to rest. I recall all my regrets with all of the fond memories that I shared with them. I can remember, mostly anyway, meeting each one for the first time. For some I remember the last time I saw them, for others I don't. I remember vividly the pain I felt with the news that each one passed. I remember exactly where I was and what I was doing for each one. For one, it was my fahter waking me very early on a saturday morning, for the next it was receiving a phone call at lunch time while i was at jury duty, for the next i was home on my sofa on a wednesday night already crying because I knew they were leaving, unknowing that they had already passed, for the last i was at work checking my e-mail and facebook, shortly followed by a phone call from a friend in utter disbelief. But as much as i felt at the time, and how much pain i feel now recalling those moments, I also remember how each one of them made me smile when I was down, their stupid jokes that always made you think "your a dork", for some i have years and years of memories, for others it was someone passing through my life who wasnt always around but made an impact none the less.

Life is a many splendid creature. But it is also a vindictive one. It gives and we think nothing of accepting what it gives us, but fall to pieces when that gift is taken away. I never thought life could continue properly when my grandmother passed 8 years, 2 months, and 23 days ago (its a math thing, not an obsession thing), but wouldn you know it, life continued and I prospered. It took a long time for life to prosper but it did. Again my world was turned upside down 4 years 8 months and 7 days ago when I first learned that my grandfather was in the hospital and not doing well to find out a half hour after that phone call that he had in fact passed. I went from preparing to say goodbye, to never having the opportunity. Just 8 months and 6 days after that, I learned that my friend Jeremy had taken his own life after suffering for years from mental illness. and just 13 days ago another life gone too soon was learned of.

I thought i was all cried out from crying so much over loved ones that I have lost, and just when you think thats the case, It all comes back again. We laugh constantly at the thought of the phrase, there are only two things in life that are certain, death and taxes. but even taxes can be evaded. Today that phrase is not funny, but tomorrow it might be again, or maybe even the next day.

I've learned to live by the saying that each day is a gift. IT really is, you never know who is going to walk into your life and you never know who is going to leave it. Its not solace or an explination that I seek or need. Its not an explination of the cosmos and God. its just thoughts. Semi-Random thoughts.

I love my friends and family, I really do. all of them. The ones that I know really well and even the ones I dont know very well. Its just how I have chosen to be in this life....